When You Are Judged...
Let me share a little secret with you. You are being judged. Every day. And you want to know something else? You judge others, every day.
A driver cuts you off and you think, "What an awful driver!" That's a judgement.
A woman looks at another woman and loves her hair. That's judgement, too.
We're all human. We're all curious about each other and we are constantly checking each other out and making comparisons and judgements.
My favorite thing about judgements is that - are you ready for this!? - they are none of your business! That's right. None of your business!! Those are the thoughts of someone else. And while they are sharing the thoughts, sometimes in the form of a hurled insult - out loud, no less! - they are exposing their own underbelly of weakness and pain. Resist the temptation to stab them with your own hurtful words.
"But," you protest, "I still get my feelings hurt!" I hear you. And that's the writing on your walls talking. (See June 23, 2008 Blog) So let's tap on it and see if you will feel better.
Fill in the blanks as you go. I'm going to use one gender, you'll use what is appropriate for you. It would be best if you actually used names and specifics of the event. And importantly, pay attention to your self-talk as you tap.
As always, rate your feelings (SUDS) from 1 - 10 before you begin.
KC: Even though ___________ said ______________ and it made me feel __________, I still completely love and respect myself. (Repeat 3 times.)
EB: Those words hurt my feelings.
SE: It made me mad. I felt insulted.
UE: Why would anyone say that!? What a jerk.
UN: I didn't deserve to be talked to that way! I never say things like that!
Ch: What was he thinking? Clearly, he wasn't thinking at all!!
CB: Can I ever forgive him for this?
UA: NO! I'm not ready to forgive!
ToH: He really hurt me!
(Check in with yourself. Higher or lower SUDS than when you started?)
KC: Even though __________ said __________, I can be OK with me anyway.
KC: Even though _________ said __________, I love and respect me anyway.
KC: Even though _________ said __________ , I can love and respect me anyway.
EB: I can't see his pain, but he must be hurting somehow.
SE: Why else would he say that to me? He must have a problem.
UE: Why would anyone say that!? You'd have to be a jerk or in pain.
UN: Maybe he's is hurting. Maybe he's a jerk. Either way, he clearly has no coping skills to deal with it. It's the writing on his walls.
Ch: The writing on his walls is none of my business.
CB: Maybe he really is just a jerk. If that's true, does it matter what he said? Do I have to accept the words of a jerk?
UA: Is it OK for me to forgive him if he is in pain or is just a jerk? (Notice your answer.)
ToH: He really hurt me. But maybe I can forgive him any way. Forgiveness would help me.
(Check in with yourself. Higher or lower SUDS than the last round?)
What self-talk came up while you were tapping? Work through that with more tapping. Remember that when someone points a finger at you, there are three fingers pointing back at them. Try it for yourself. Point your finger at your computer screen. See the fingers pointed back at you?
When we hurt others, emotionally this is what is happening to us. We point one thing, but three times as much is coming right back at us. When someone hurls an insult, and maybe they do it all the time, imagine a moment in their shoes. Sometimes that one thing they said will lose all it's power.